That Effing Christmas Shoe Song

You know the one. It's about that guy who hates Christmas but turns his decrepit heart of coal into one of pure Christmasy gold when he meets a little boy, who happens to be blind, a leper and a midget, goes around town with his three-legged dog, looking for a pair of shoes for his dying mother, who will most likely, meet the Big Kahuna that very night.

Nothing puts Christmas in my heart like a song about sad people who are about to be de-mothered on one of the biggest holidays of the year. How about you?

And I like Christmas songs. Not just like them, but I freaking love them. Like, I sing, “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” with more enthusiasm than my very enthused children. I am secretly overjoyed when a radio station starts playing Christmas music a week before Thanksgiving. When I'm not listening to merry melodies on the radio, I'm plugged into iTunes and listening to my very large arsenal of holiday titles. The Effing Christmas Shoe song is so bad, it always requires a Christmas Classic chaser. Mel Tormé's, “The Christmas Song” or Ella Fitzgerald's version of, “Jingle Bells”. Those always manage to flush that horrible song right out of your ears and brain; a nice colon cleanse for your soul.

So when I say the Effing Christmas Shoe Song sucks the big one, you know it's coming from someone who knows the words to just about every holiday song out there and would listen to them all year round if it was socially acceptable.

Anyhow, hearing the song who's title we don't speak of (for the fourth time today, thankyouverymuch) prompted me to think of all the songs I do enjoy listening to. I thought I'd put them in some kind of order on some kind of list, or two.

So, let's start with the best covers of the holiday standards:

1. Nat King Cole, “The Christmas Song”. Now that is just pure, holiday gold.

2. Judy Garland, “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”. Sorry Frank, Judy wins.

3. Brenda Lee, “Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree”. I think its 50's sound lends more of the holiday feel to the song.

4. Harry Connick, Jr., “Sleigh Ride”. Any time, Harry, any time.

5. Dean Martin, “It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas”. I can't help but picture him singing this song with a glass of scotch in one hand and a lit ciggy in the other.

An honorable mention goes to Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton for “Baby, It's Cold Outside”. I am not a fan of Mr. Stewart, but their odd pairing really works for this song. Dolly even throws in a squeaky, twangy giggle at the end when she finally gives in. Tres cute.

Top five “new” songs (songs that haven't been covered....yet)

1. Josh Groban, “Believe”. I'd just like to add that I went to high school with him and that we were in the same improv class. Just sayin'.

2. Wham!, “Last Christmas”. If you hate this song, you hate freedom. And the '80's.

3. Harry Connick, Jr., “Must Have Been Old Santa Claus”. Harry (yes, we're on a first name basis) adds his love for the Dixieland sound to cute lyrics and ends up with roughly 3 minutes of butt-shakin' fun. Ok, that so didn't come out right.

4. Practically everyone who was anyone in the '80's, “Do They Know It's Christmas?” I know that I opened this post ranting about an odious song written with the sole purpose of making you feel horrible about asking Santa for some bling, when there are motherless dwarfs in the world, but this is a good song written with the sole purpose of making you feel horrible about asking Santa for some bling, when there are motherless dwarfs in the world.

   BIG difference, people.

5. Stevie Wonder, “Someday At Christmas”. I don't think this is a sad song, by any means. It's so full of hope for the future and paints such a sweet, peaceful vision of what the world is going to look like, someday.

An honorable mention to Sir Paul McCartney, “Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime”. I absolutely adore the British for a multitude of reasons, but one of the top five reasons is because they use the word, “Christmastime” on a regular basis. The other reasons involve Prince William, Collin Firth, Shakespeare and the word “bollocks”.

And, of course, I have to include a list of songs that make me want to tell Mr. Scrooge that he was right about the season and that bit about the poor houses and prisons.

1. “Mary, Did You Know?” It has nothing to do with the topic, as I love listening to a good gospel choir and know the words to, “O Come, All Ye Faithful”...in Latin. It's that it's just a dumb song. And speaking of “dumb”, I really don't like the line about the lame walking and the dumb speaking. I mean, why don't they just sing, “the cripples will walk and the 'tards will talk”. Gah.

2. “Little Drummer Boy”. Like a woman who just took a ride through the desert on a smelly donkey WHILE SHE WAS IN LABOR and then gave birth to the Chosen One ON THE FLOOR IN A BARN wants to listen to some annoying farmer kid play the drums. I'll tell you where you can stick those pa-rum-pa-pum-pums, kid. And no, the ox and lamb are not keeping time. They're pounding their hooves in preparation to stampede you back to from whence you came.

3. “Hard Candy Christmas”. I think Ms. Parton is an absolute charmer and an all-around good person, but what on earth is a “Hard Candy Christmas”??? She talks about dying her hair and hitting the bars. She could have just as easily called it “Pamela Anderson Christmas”.

4. That one song. You know, that one song that sounds like some sort of procession, be it graduation or a wedding. Goes something like, “On this night, on this night, on this very Christmas night.” It's not that it's a horrible song, but that it makes me think of graduations and not Christmas. That kinda goes against what a Christmas song should do.

5. That other song. You know, that other song where, for some reason, a famous musician is in a grocery store and bumps into his old flame? They end up tossing back three beers each in her car. Then, as she thumbs her nose at the members of Mothers Against Drunk Driving, she drives, most definitely drunk or at the very least, buzzed, back home to the husband she doesn't love, leaving said famous singer standing in the rain. Since when do famous musicians do their own grocery shopping??

And because it's 11:46pm, Jeff is on the other side of the planet and I don't feel like loading the dishwasher just yet, here's one last list:

Top five people who have no business singing Christmas songs:

1. Michael Bolton. He made the ghost of Bing Crosby cry when he re-did “White Christmas”.

2. Clay Aiken. Ick, just ick.

3. Bruce Springstein. As my friend, Barb, says, “When he sings, it sounds like he's trying to poop.” Well said, Babs, well said. Let's just stick to dancing in the dark, shall we, Mr. The Boss?

4. Boy-Bands that are not the Jackson 5 or the Beach Boys. Just because.

5. Anyone who sings, “please have snow and mistletoe and presents on the tree.” It should be sung, “please have snow and mistletoe and presents 'neath the tree.” If you are putting your presents on the tree, you need help. And corrective eye-wear.

Ok, it's late and there's a cat stuck in a cabinet, somewhere in my house. I can hear the meows of desperation and the “thunk-thunk” of a cabinet door.

Gotta go.